Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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