ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
