he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
