omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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