A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I forget how to act sober
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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