I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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