How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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