I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
