3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
