I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
