I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
