I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
