I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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