If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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