half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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