she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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