Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
