I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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