Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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