i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
