Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
