if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
