WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
