Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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