So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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