it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
