Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
