Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
