The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
