well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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