Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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