I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
