i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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