I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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