and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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