My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Randomize
