i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
