i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
