if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
