Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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