Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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