Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have aggressive nipples.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
