can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
