and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
