I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
