I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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