new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
