If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
