I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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