dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
