There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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