There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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