In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
