My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
