Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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