Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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