She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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