Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
