My hand turned me down
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
