You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
