I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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